the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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