Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
