I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
