I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
