I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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