I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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