We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
