god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize