M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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