dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
