My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
