my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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