I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
