maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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