I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
