two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
