Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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