a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Someone came in the potted fern
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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