While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
