I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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