i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
