apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
