Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
