i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
