I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
