I'm gonna have a badass scar
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
