Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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