so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I looked at my own cervix.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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