Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
