Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
