She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
