I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
