She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
