I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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