I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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