haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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