dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
