how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
