My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
