My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
