I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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