My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
