I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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