Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
