I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Randomize
