Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
