I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
