mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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