Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
