A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
