guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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