I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
