be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
