and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
