guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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