i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
