You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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