i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
