So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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