Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
They have beer where we have blood.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
