If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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