hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
