just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
