His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
